Open Your Eyes to the Wizard of Oz
Well, it was all farts and giggles for me a few nights ago. For one, I had absolutely nothing to do, which is always a mental “fondle your crotch” moment. And to top it all off, the Wizard of Oz was coming on television. How awesome is that?! So, a quick visit to the store for some sauvignon blanc and a refreshing salt-scrub bath later, I was set in front of my TV prepared to jump into the wonderful land of little people with impeded vocal cords and flying monkeys who all apparently had bad hair days. As I finished the show, I realized that it was just as fantastic as it had been when I was a little tot. However, I noticed some things about the movie that really did not make sense. I felt the need to share these with you all.
Ah, Glenda, the good witch. I love it when she glides in on her pretty pink bubble. I also love it when everybody in the movie points at it as if they have never seen their pepto-princess conduct her reappearing act…but whatever. As you watch the movie, it is painfully apparent that she is the heroin that will watch over Dorothy and crew as they make their way to the Emerald City. I guess you could call her their “go-to” girl. And that is all good and well. However, has anyone ever given thought to why the hell she made all of them go on that agonizing little hike? Think about it. At the end of the movie, when all hope is lost that Dorothy will ever get home, Glenda appears in her glazed-over scum bubble to inform her that all she must do is click her heals together to get home. I swear, if that was me, I would have slapped that bitch so hard her glued-on glitter would have flown right off. Where the hell does she get off making that poor child trek through haunted forests and drug induced meadows (in heals no less) just to see her Aunty Em? I am so sick of narcissistic premodonas making people go through shit just to teach them a lesson. Just send the poor girl home.
What a scary creature the Wicked Witch of the West is. Green skin, over-draped clothing, and nails in grave need of a manicure at a Saks salon…not to mention her evil laugh makes my penis shrink to the size of a kosher sausage. You immediately want to hate her for wanting to harm our poor Dorothy. But upon closer inspection, she really is not the worst character in the film. Think about it. Some naïve pig-tailed overgrown waif just comes along and drops a house on her sister. She drops a house on her sister…. I don’t know about you, but I would be pissed as hell if someone dropped a house on my little sister. And on top of that, Dorothy steals this gorgeous pair of ruby heals, which are no doubt a family heirloom. Who does this midtown redneck think she is? Toward the end of the movie I was just praying that the hourglass would empty out before Dorothy was saved so she would get was comin to her. But of course, Liza’s mother wins in the end.
I hope we all learned something from this. All the Witch of the West really needed was a good exfoliant and a trip to Barney’s and she would have been in ship-shape. Dorothy should have kept her ass at home instead of chasing after her rabie-induced dog. And Glenda just needs a check-up from the neck-up and a few days to untwist the wand she has tangled in her fairy panties. The Wizard of Oz, a good movie…but take it with a grain of salt.