The best/worst Breakup
First of all, my dear apologies. My lack of posting anything new is a little embarrassing for me. But in my defense, its been a long couple of months… Huh, maybe I’ll tell all you guys and gals about it.
I think I will.
It all began with one word. Just one, simple noun that flowed out of my mouth. To me, this word was nonchalant in nature, but at the same time did not lack sincerity and truth. To my boyfriend at the time, this word I spoke signified something completely different; something scary, unsettling, and means for panic.
“I want to be with you forever.”
Little did I know, the beginning of the end had just broken ground. About five weeks later, it was over.
Its amazing how people interpret words so differently depending on our past experiences, or future aspirations. Based on what has happened in my past, wanting (and knowing) that I want to be with someone forever is a huge means of comfort, security, and another step in the stair-cased pattern of a relationship. Also, growing up in an atmosphere where many of my relationships with people were conditional based on your own personal beliefs and outward behavior, being with a man that never judged and, for lack of a better term, “just got me,” was one of the most liberating and loving relationships of my life. So, finally getting to the point were I knew that I truly wanted to be with him for as long as possible meant that I could give him and I no better compliment that to say it out loud.
However, this could not be further from the truth…
There were many things that I left out of the equation. “Forever” does not always = Chase’s expected outcome. Chase does not = Peter. Now, before I continue, I want to make it clear that I do not regret sharing my feelings for this beautiful man. Honesty, openness, and vulnerability are three traits which I live by, and which I believe foster true unconditional love for one another. But if you truly love someone, you must also recognise the needs of the other. I did not take into account that his past experiences where completely different, as was his future aspirations. Unlike myself, he had already been in long term relationships, were untangling the lives of two was nothing short of heartbreaking. Unlike myself, he grew up in an abusive and alcoholic home, which he still must deal with on a daily basis. And the views of a successful relationship for the future was also different in his eyes.
Its now been six weeks since I have seen him. It was the best breakup I have ever had because we did it in love, and still love each other to this day. It was also the worst breakup I have ever had because of the same reasons. However, its allowed me to forcefully grow. I say “forcefully” because there is no way in hell six weeks ago I would have made myself go through this if I had my way. But the implications of the past weeks have taught me a lot about unconditional love. Unconditional love does not always get its way. Do I want to be happy? Of course I do. But when I say that I unconditionally love Peter, I am saying that I am placing his happiness on par with my own. I am saying that understanding what he needs and essentially is, is inconsequential. I just love him. And sometimes not being in someones life in a certain way or role is the best way you can show someone else your love for them. Taking that back seat can be painful, but remember what that pain really is: your own selfish desires. Trying to convince someone else that it would be better if things worked out between both of you is not love. Love does not need your help or your logical arguments. And if you truly love someone else, than nothing but wonderful things can happen between the two of you in the future. Regardless of whether the two of you ever are together again, you will always know that you are there for one another, you can be honest with one another, you can share each others pain, you can just…..love.
Has it been hard? Its been one of the hardest things I have ever been through. But I see it now as getting rid of more of my selfish traits, and taking another step toward truly loving others. And that my friends, is a good thing.